Chapter Seven

With everything happening to me I started to believe that there was no God. I just accepted the thought that I would live like this for the rest of my life. I was alone and the only thing I had to do was survive. Since I believed in nothing I no longer connected myself with pain. The only thing I felt was anger and that was always held inside, I showed no outside emotion. I no longer dreamed or allowed my thoughts to wonder during the day. I did my chores and just thought it was one day less to live.
When I was allowed to eat I would eat like a wild animal. One time I actually felt like one. Mother fed her dogs better than me and one day she gave them pancakes in their bowl and when I knew she wasn't looking I ate all the remains. I wasn't higher than anything, I was the extreme low.
I started to hate everything and everybody. I hated the sun and all the children that played it's warm presence. I hated Mother most of all though. I even wished her dead. I wanted her to feel all the pain that she put me through and all my loneliness. I hated Father, he knew what I was going through but he didn't do anything. He made so many promises just to try and make me happy but I now knew that he too thought I was part of the problem at home.
I used to pray to God to help me and to do anything for me but he never answered. Well one time he did, I asked him to make Mother sick and the next morning she was. My brothers and I took care of her like she was our patient, it was kind of like a free day.
My brothers didn't like me either and the feeling was mutual. One day they took turns hitting and kicking me. They knew I was the family slave and they took full advantage of it. They felt superior to me but my heart was as hard as a stone and they didn't affect me.
School was no longer exciting to me. I just went. One day I ran out of the classroom screaming at everything in my sight. I went to the bathroom and punched the tiles until I bled. There was a bully at school too. His name was Clifford and I was usually his target. He would beat me up with his friends and they would take turns hitting and kicking me. Aggie was also a bully to me but she verbally did it. One time when we were on a field trip at the Clippers Ship and I was looking over watching the water and she told me to jump. She told me it would be better if I would jump for not only me but everybody. People backed her up and agreed that I should jump, I thought about it but then I came back to reality. My reality sucks and I wish my life were different. I have had a couple people attempt to make my life better but it usually backfires. My mother got to the point where she called me "It", I no longer existed as a person. I wish there would be some kind of miracle that would help me, I wish God would be there for me just for this time. I need him, I need somebody. Please God, help me.